I’m doing another short story reading at The Gallery Space in Foyles this Friday. I’m hoping this time the delivery will live up to the writing.
I’ve chosen to read a much shorter story than before - under seven hundred words. It’s called Things I’m ashamed of #1.
You’re welcome to come.
As a teen, one of my favourite games was ‘celebrity dad’. I’d gather together with other kids from single mum families and discuss who would make the best father figure. My money was on Timothy Dalton, although if he’d been around then Gordon Ramsey would have been in the running.
After a late night trip to HMV’s music DVD section, I realised who my celebrity dad actually was - Stuart Goddard.
I got into Adam Ant well over a decade after his initial success, but that didn’t stop me using his lyrics as a weird social compass. From him I learnt about social ambition (Friend of Foe), acceptable sexual conduct (Strip), confidence in the face of humiliation (Prince Charming) and of course, interior design (Desperate but not Serious).
Did his lyrics turn me into a promiscuous joker with an attractive home? Yes, but only for a short while. Looking back, I was a little like the obsessive fan in The Mary Whitehouse Experience who takes her favourite singer to court for instructing her to do foolish things, only to call off the lawsuit when he sings at her to do so.
Now, watching the music videos I can’t help but think that if I’d had MTV instead of a vinyl collection, I might not have taken the lyrics so seriously. I’m proud to say, unlike many kids and real dads, I have not grown up to feel embarrassed by him.
The Very Best of Adam & the Ants DVD - available far too cheaply from Amazon.
The Bank of England are teaching their female staff how to walk the thin line between dressing for success and not looking like a sex worker. A recent memo, posted on Jezebel tells female employees, “always wear a heel of some sort — maximum 2 inches; always wear some sort of makeup — even if it’s just lipstick.”
On the other end of the scale it warns against pitfalls including double pierced ears, white heels and ankle chains which are “professional, but not the one you want to be associated with,”
I’d like to know if there are any rules for male staff at the Bank of England. I’d rather switch gender than follow these guidelines.
I was heading home a few days ago, I’d just gotten off the bus and had turned my headphones up as loud as they would go for the walk home. I was in a great mood and the song felt amazing. As I reached the corner, I saw Boots was open and knew I needed something inside. Somehow, the song was just too good to turn off. I knew if I went in the shop, first I’d have to turn the volume down, then when I got to the counter I’d have to take my headphones off.
I just couldn’t do it. No matter how much I needed to go in the shop, I couldn’t stop the song. I went home, happy but empty handed. I’d only gone a few paces when I realised exactly who I had become. Thank you, Spike Jonze for making me feel like a dog.
